Relax: the velvet smoking jacket is safe

Spring cleaning has struck! I went through my closets and drawers today, mercilessly culling those things I haven't worn in years. I was deaf to their whimpering: "But I was really funny when Bush Sr. was President!" "You can't throw me out—you were wearing me the first time you made out with *mumble-elision*!" "What if there is a retro-80s party, and you want to wear something too small in a horrible shade of purple for some reason?" I did keep a small pile of archival clothing, which I will never wear again but can't throw away: my 1985 Weird Al tour shirt, the T-shirt I got from Dr. Demento when he played my request on the air, my high school cast sweatshirt for Godspell, my Bloom County "Ahead warp zillion!!!!" T-shirt. But I have a garbage bag-sized pile of castoffs, and more room in my drawers for new things.

What new things? I'm open to suggestions—if there's something you think I should wear that I don't, if you've ever thought "j7y would sure look good in an X," let me know! Pretend it's a meme! (Assume I already know I need a kilt.)